Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Fearing Change (Even Awesome Change)

My youngest started preschool this month, which means for the first time in five years I won’t have to work until 3 am. I was so excited! But the transition has been much harder than I expected (for me). In fact, I'm writing this at 2 am when I really should be in bed.

I’ve been procrastinating during the day, filling my time with busy work instead of what really needs to get done. My sock drawer is all cleaned out (thanks to this book), I started two new websites (on Rocks and Architecture), yet the most important piddix work I need to do I ignore.

It’s frightening to admit, but I’m scared. Scared that now that all the excuses are gone, I won’t be able to make piddix work full-time as I once did.

I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but I’ve come up with three theories:

1. I need time to transition. It’s been almost a month, and I’m still on my swing-shift schedule. Perhaps like a cure for jet lag I need to force my body to readjust to a more normal routine.

2. I need time for myself. After years of only focusing on two things (piddix and family), I need time to have fun. Since my version of fun is taking on new projects, I’m filling up what I thought would be extra time with new ideas I’ve been sitting on forever.

3. I’m self-sabotaging. This is the scariest idea because it seems ridiculous, yet is probably true. I finally have exactly what I want. Two boys in amazing schools. Time for family and for what's the problem? Here goes: I’m afraid that if everything is too perfect, something horrible will go wrong. In my mind, life is meant to be a balance of good and bad. And if there’s too much good… I’m just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’m afraid of this perfect life that’s just outside my grasp. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. So I delay. I procrastinate. I won’t take those last few steps I need to get there. Perhaps I feel I don’t deserve it.

I have no idea how to overcome this resistance to change I’m experiencing. And feel ridiculous for having such a silly first-world problem. Which is why I suppose I'm writing this down. Getting my fears and doubts out of my head to make them dissipate, and sharing my goals and dreams to help make them real.

These larger questions feel like wispy smoke I cannot grasp, so I suppose I'll start with something concrete that I can control: bedtime. My plan for October is to go to bed every night at midnight, and hope that getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night for a month it will bring some clarity for next steps. Well, that and bribes. If I get off my bottom and send out the piddix newsletter today, I get to open and build this with my boys after school. Sometimes it’s the little things.

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